Lately, I've been so preoccupied with a lot of things inside my head and I don't actually know what's going on. A lot of things have turned around from what I am before and what I am now. For the first time in my life, I entered into something that I guess, it's either painful to come out or escape from it. Neither, I still have no idea of what it is.

I've been committed to someone, who least I expect to commit with. At first, it was like a "tabula rasa" feeling of the heart. No inborn feeling was created in the first encounter of our lives. I see in her the potential to be someone else who can still be someone else treasured in such a way that she would change the outlook of her life. She was the so liberated type which, every boys fantasy to be with... I repeat, boy! Not man!

In that case, I commited myself into the relationship of being her with that as a medium of maybe, in some way, changing her outlook in life through me. And maybe, all along, I will learn to love her like I do before with my ex girlfriends, which, I loved true too.

As months go by, all we encountered in our relationship was quarrelling. She was so sweet to me... She almost invest to me everything she had but then, I was still sticking in with my purpose of trying to change her. But no matter, how I try, one thing I never learn was to love her. The feeling of being in love never grew inside me.

Lately, I had a newbie colleague in our workplace. Oh, by the way, this girl I formerly talk about, we work in the same workplace. Anyway, going back to the newbie, she's a pretty girl whom, at first, caught my attention of her meek type, sweet and silent lady. It started with a chat, grew up by texting each other, and eventually, having a dinner once, in which, days before that, we broke up with the former girl who I'm talking about in the previous paragraphs. I'm trying to move everything slowly since I know how the former girl will feel about the break up with me having someone new. The former girl talked about for the last time but it ended up me being slapped in the face for many things and me crying a lot. She cried but I never retaliate with the physical thing she done.

Now, still the situation is red hot and I'm still confused... Hopefully, as the time goes, everything will be alright... I do hope!

I believed that I had great experiences with courtship and relationship as far as I am concerned. Moreover, it has been more than a year from the last time I had a not so very ending of a relationship. It was a heart breaking experience of learning to let go and move on with my life. Now, I’m okay. I believed that maybe they were all products of satisfying immediate gratification where being impetuous paved its way to most of the relationships I had before. Nevertheless, it is my utmost concern right now to enjoy what I have right now and wait for the right one to come along. I am challenging myself to hold on for even years to wait. Right know, I admit that I admired someone and I guess the feeling is mutual. But because of the distance that parts us, it was a mutual decision not to engage into serious relationships and just enjoy what we have right now. Some, the eagerness of satisfying one’s gratification really is a dilemma. Lately, I’ve been missing her so much and kept reminiscing in my mind the times when we were together spending time with each other. Contrary, I always keep in mind that patience is a virtue and the value of waiting is really worth the try (I guess). Nevertheless, I’m playing it cool right now to a point of actually sacrifice sometimes the opportunity of communicating so as to feel the essence of missing each other sometimes. Since I have her schedule of her duty days right now, I am now just in the right time to act and maybe find ways to see if she really does love or even like me too. She’s the type of a person who doesn’t want to dare something if she thinks she can’t do it (maybe only applicable to relationships and courtships). So what am I going to do now? Am I doing the right thing or maybe this is just the same try that I usually fail before? Well the answer actually lies on the fact that I guess I have to give it a try. Seriously, I can say that I like her. As always in my principle, loving someone is not merely based on mushy emotions but it is more of a decision that you will love her for whoever she is despite difficulties, trials, etc. arises. Because I know at the end, the mushy emotions are just good at the starting point and can or may not endure till the end. I guess this time, from the lessons I’ve learned, I guess this time is the right time to start and make things right. Lord I pray that please give us patience and guard and lead our hearts according to Your Words.

It’s almost 4 o’ clock in the morning and still I wasn’t able to take a rest and I can’t fall asleep. I’ve been wasting my time watching a boring chick movie, staring at the ceiling, punching my towel acting as if like a Chinese sifu whose great in Wing Chun martial arts, and finally writing this journal. I’ve been acting strange lately and I can’t understand myself why. I believe there’s some sort of stimuli that’s been bothering me lately.

Just a week ago, we’ve been starting out with our test files in our training at SPi technologies where I applied for work. It’s been almost two months and hopefully by next month, we’ll be ending our training and training be in the production floor.

Eversince we had this chance to have a free internet connection in our training room, I can’t help but to go always online ­— especially in facebook. From those time on, I’ve been almost updated to everyone whose in my friends list. We’ll not everyone in my list were actually my friends but they were the people who I knew by name or by face. There are some of them whom I know personally but not in my friends list for some reasons.

Lately, I’ve been stalking to someone else’s profile just to check if how she’s doing. I’ve tried every way I could but then her profile is secured and the other one seems inactive. I’m not the type of person who gives up easily, so I always find ways to get what I want even if that way makes me look stupid. Recently, I saw some else’s picture in her account that paved me a way to see if there’s any way I can see the new her physically. Alas, I saw her in someone else’s album were she was tagged. Just at the time I saw her in one of the photos, I could not help but to see her torso immediately. It’s getting quite obvious already with the size and I guess the days gone by. The AOG is just – maybe tantamount – to the days we started parting ways. I still feel quite disappointed with what happened to us but I feel more miserable with myself. Even though these things brought me pain, I don’t regret the things I’ve done for her. The only thing I regret is the chances of those things that I have not done for her. I should have done better. I should have known better.

Lately, she’s not the only person that made me remember of someone. Lately, as I was resetting my body clock for sleep, there was an instance that I came home early, watch a movie and then do nothing afterwards. I stayed all night in my room just staring at the ceiling and plucking my guitar pretending to make tunes. My room burried a lot of memories inside it and still I can flashback memories of her and I together. The study session, movie session, crying session, eating session and everything else. I still kept some of the things she left starting from those days she left me and didn’t come back since then. I still used to see her seldom in a common fastfood restaurant downtown. It’s always been a coincidence that I see her in some places. Seemed like a one-way ticket of only me accidentally seeing her but not her accidentally seeing me. Why should she? Does she even care? Does she even bother? I doubt.

It’s been a almost a year that my jag-edged heart is still I guess in DENIAL of those things happened to me back in the past. YES! I GUESS WAS NOT ABLE TO MOVE ON YET AND STILL I AM HERE HOPING THAT MAYBE ONE OF THEM MIGHT COME BACK TO ME. I guess it only made me narrowed down to one choice since the other one is going to be married soon to her sperm-donor. The TURNING POINT, I guess was just like a premature jumpstart of everything. Just good in the beginning but could not endure in the long run. It made me more scared and seemed like I prisoned myself. I decided not go start any relationship maybe 3 to 5 years from now. As for now, it would just be unfair to someone else I try to court with my hasty and haphazard decision. I know that there would come a time if the girl will be attached to me that much and still I am in denial stage, I would just make her life miserable. Being with someone else and thinking that maybe we might meet at the crossroads in our life someday, it will just make me regret of something. Maybe anythings — or even everything.

So, as a headstart for me, why don’t I start burrying deep all those thoughts, memories and events in life with them. Though, still all things are possible, I’ll just lower my expectations. TO BE CONTINUED...

It’s been a while since the last time I wrote something in my blog. It only shows that I need an inspiration for me juggle up my imagination to write something stupid. A lot of things happened to me these past few days.

May 2010 elections

Last week, I had the chance to come home and for the first time exercised my right to vote. I came home few days before the election. I was quite excited way back then to see how Isabela went through with the campaigns and platforms of the candidates. My father was the executive campaign secretary of the Liberal party in Isabela. He has been so busy those times. Just as I arrived, I was immediately invited to join the last motorcade of the party. It was quite a long motorcade with yellow flags waved by LP supporters.

I heard few latest issues about what is happening recently in Isabela. I was dismayed to know that the incumbent mayor was buying votes from the people. She used to get people from barangays and give each voter 500Php and then saying, “hindi ito vote buying ha, tulong ito.” WTF! Doing this during the election period, what do you think of us? Idiots? Why does she only show up during election time? When she was still the mayor of the city, she’s always not around. With what I’ve heard, she used to spend most of her time abroad, go pamper herself to Vicky Belo, and buy expensive “girly” stuffs. She even painted the city hall pink. It only shows what? Money nowadays is more powerful than anything else. I just pray money won’t exceed God. I can still remember the acronym of my friend’s name MARION. Money Always Run In Our Nature. Is it always like this?

I believe there are only few people who thinks the right way things should be going. Most of them lose the election, being harrassed, threatened and even killed. This does not just apply to our local politicians but even to the higher echelon. I am dismayed with the fact that Christianity and Democracy has not brought a great change in the country. Most people are becoming hypocrite. Something shameful for us Filipinos.

With the saying, “for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing,” I hope these few people in the country will not give up and I am praying that the next generation should have a broader insight to take the initiative to fight for what is right. With these sad facts I heard from my hometown, I am tempted to study politics.

Project-specifics

I am currently employed and undergoing a training in Solutions Global Innovations (SPi), a non-voice Business Process Outsourcing (BPO) company, who used to handle publishing company clients. I am still a trainee as a copyeditor of the company before with no specific support yet until last week that we were already given a specific project support. Among the six trainees in batch 6, four of us went to Elsevier while the other two went to IEEE. This week, we were given the project-specific instructions of our support to later on be follow when we will be given the chance to be in the production area. A great challenge is waiting ahead of us.

Bothered

Lately, I saw someone whom I didn’t expect to see though she didn’t see me. It was a coincidence but then something was bothering me after I saw her. I tried to ignore her in my mind but then memories are something so powerful that your mind can’t erase unless you have Alzheimer’s disease or Goldfield syndrome. Maybe also the fact that I have been alone most of the time lately and I guess all I need is a company. I miss those times when somebody is always bothering me, knocking on my door and texting me all the time even in the middle of our DotA game and our team loses since I can’t concentrate playing anymore. Quite funny but then, I came to realize lately that I’d rather lose the game than lose her. Such a great impact in my life.

Cleaning the mess up

As I was cleaning my room, I ran into some stuffs that also made me remember somebody. I passed through some photos and things like boats tickets and paintings that made me remember of her. Until now, she’s always included in my prayers. I include her whenever I eat and before I go to bed. I scanned some pictures taken when we were together before. Somebody asked me if I am still in love with her and I replied, “I can’t answer that anymore. Even if I do, I can’t do anything more.” I wish her all the best in her life’s endeavor. I hope she’s undergoing prenatal exams since I’ve heard she’s passed first trimester and still she haven’t undergone any prenatal exam. You take care of yourself and your child. You chipped a piece of my heart (and/but I hope) you took it with you. Though it saddens me a lot, I am proud of myself that it only shows I am not selfish. I would rather have a broken heart that’s real than a whole heart that’s numb.

The notion ­— Everybody lies

I was addicted to this movie series I’ve been watching all these weeks because of its “medical mystery” that hightens my curiosity. Aside from this description, the scripts also catch my attention. I quote some of it and shout it out in my facebook. Is it always true that people lie because they love the person they lied to and that they just did it to protect them? I came to realize that I was just too “good” to people to the fact that I don’t lie. By mere saying this, I am already lying. Watching this series, it came into my consciousness that lying has it advantages and benefits. The series even mentioned that relationships are build with lies. It always give in with the benefit of the doubt. Being just too “good” is boring. What I mean here, for me, is that lying is not tantamount with pretention. I just want people to know that I’ll lie. Quoting Captain Jack Sparrow from the movie Pirates of the Carribean(though not the exact words), “it’s better to trust a liar because you know when he/she will be lying rather than an honest person who seems to leave you pointblank.” How I wish I could have watched this series earlier. I’ve gone through a lot of broken-hearted experiences in my life. I guess, from this time on, I’ll give myself a chance. People do a lot of crazy things when they’re in love. I miss those times.

Cute ba??? ahahaha...